Today is my birthday!!! I am 11 years old today. To celebrate, I would like some plain cooked chicken, and to outside and hang out in the sunshine for a bit. Actually, that's not true. I would like to have some steak, rare, and a giant bowl of SpaghettiOs, and any other human food I can get my paws on. Then I'd like to have the door open all of the time so that I can come and go as I please. I would also like to be able to go outside without Laura stopping me from eating cigarette butts and every plant I find. Because that poison ivy looks delicious but she won't let me eat it.


I have been around for 11 years!? Doesn't that make you feel old?

Today was a good day.

When Justin came home from work, Laura put the leash on me- that means I get to go outside! We went out the front door, and Laura picked me up and put me in the car. I got a little nervous, because car trips almost always end up at the vet, and I HATE IT THERE.

We drove around for a while, and I got to sit on Laura's lap and look out the window. Sometimes, when I look out the front of the car, I get really nervous and duck behind the dashboard, and then slowly creep my head up so I can peek out the window. The world goes by really fast.

Then we stopped at a cemetery and I got out and walked around and ate some grass. Then I scratched a tree and looked up for a while. I got back in the car, and we drove home.


It was a fun day.

Today is my birthday! I am 10 years old today. Laura-Mommy says there will be a party later in the summer to celebrate Ten Years Of Toti.


I got lots of kitty treats and petting and no one put me in the bathtub today. And Justin gave me a brand new toy mouse with a tail. I ate the tail off, and now I have no interest in it. Man, tails piss me off.

Tonight, after dinner, I went down the stairs to the entry way. I am NOT ALLOWED there, and I know this, because I hardly ever go down there and when I'm down there and someone yells at me, I come running up the stairs. Tonight, I went to the bottom of the stairs, and I YOWLED. Really loud. Laura-mommy ignored me for a while, so I kept yowling. Then she got up to see what the commotion was, and as soon as she walked over, I ran up the stairs very quickly, and then I rolled onto my back right in front of her.

right now, I am locked in the bathroom for Being Naughty. I keep crying through the door for release.


I am a weird cat.

I hate love hate purses. Laura-Mommy leaves her purse at the top of the stairs every night when she comes in the door. So when I'm guarding the top of the stairs, I like to sit on her purse and kick the crap out of it. It's funny, because she looooves her purses, and I looooove to kick them.

Sometimes, for reasons unknown to you pithy humans, I roll in my litter box. Usually, only when it's been freshly cleaned. I flip over and rub my back all over the litter, and flip around a few times. It gets litter pebbles all over my fur and makes me stink like litter.

Last night around midnight, LauraMommy picked me up to snuggle me, and she sniffed me and started yelling at me.for some weird reason. She's crazy! She brought me into the bathroom and GAVE ME A BATH. Ahhh! What the hell? I am a CAT. CATS DO NOT LIKE BATHS. Why would she do that?

I struggled valiantly to escape, but in the end, I was doused in water and scrubbed down with a washcloth. It was awful. After trying to get away I eventually just hunkered down at the far end of the bathtub and glared at the evil woman with the water. Then she tried to towel me off, but I was having none of that.

Justin came downstairs and sat with me for a while. I glared at him. And the wall. Then he gave me a good towel-off which made me a little happier. But I stayed the hell away from Laura.

And then a half hour later, after Justin and Laura went to sleep, I jumped up on their bed and snuggled with Laura's knees. And today I'm following her around the house and keeping her in my sight.

Here comes Toti's claws!
Here comes Toti's claws!
Out to scratch your face
He's really mean and he's really tough
so better reach for your mace

His ears are back
he's hunched on his mat
his claws are sharper than a knife
When this cat decides to attack you
you'd better run for your life

Here comes Toti's claws!
Here comes Toti's claws!
Out to scratch your face
I'd tred lightly, because he wants
to put you in your place.

In Case You Need Accompaniment

Laura and Justin are the worst cat-parents EVER. They left us alone for nearly 24 hours. No food! No pumpkin! No one to pick me up or chase me or smother me when I yowl loudly at them! My birth parents wouldn't treat me like this!

And to make matters worse, Laura decided to brush me tonight. I yowled and yowled and screamed, but she's deaf or something. Then I grabbed the brush out of her hand and chewed on it some. The other day, she was brushing me, and I started kicking the brush, so she let me play with it for a while. I started kicking it, and I flipped it straight up and hit her in the head. Heh. It was the best day ever.

On the bright side, Laura brought home two new friends for Schmoopy: Boogaloo and Doodle. I let Orson keep Schmoopy, since he'd already licked it and got it all stinky and rubbed it all over his stupid smudgy nose. Boogaloo is mine. I was very well-behaved and didn't try to bite Orson's head or take his toy away, I just politely kicked the living crap out of Boogaloo. (Doodle is a back-up for whoever annihilates their toy first.) Schmoopy is an elephant, Boogaloo is a mouse, and Doodle is a rooster.



For your information, Schmoopy is a stuffed cat toy that Orson and I used to fight over until Laura took it away. She said if we couldn't share, we couldn't have it until she got another one. Watch me be an internet star!




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I puked on Laura-mommy's favoritest skirt of all time. It was suede and a golden brown and hugged her butt and she said it was "ass-tastic". And I puked on it and now it has a big cat-pukey spot on it.

Hehe. I love being evil.

Today, Laura-mommy brought me to the vet. She thinks I'm sick, since I have been hiding and so mean and angry, and no one has seen me pee in days.

So you know what I did? I peed in her car. Because I am an Evil Cat who is mean. Plus, I was mad that the vet called me her "little buddy". I am not little, nor am I your buddy, bitch. It didn't help that she had a thermometer stuck up my butt as she said it. Sheesh.

So now Laura-mommy's car stinks like cat pee, and she's going to have to throw out the floor mat I tinkled on.

To sum it up:
Going to the vet = bad
Sweet urinary revenge = good

JUSTIN IS EATING SPAGHETTI-O'S!!!!

I am a sad kitty today. I don't want to eat very much of my food, and I am refusing to come out from my Super Awesome Hiding Spot, which is under the corner cabinet in the living room. When I am hiding in my Super Awesome Hiding Spot, no one can find me, except sometimes I fall asleep and my tail ends up sticking out the back a little. I'm so sad today, I don't even want to come out of my Super Awesome Hiding Spot for pumpkin.

I am busy composing Angry Goth Poetry about how the world sucks. I also like to just think about how angry I am. I am a very angry cat.

Cat Predicts Deaths At Hospice

Yeah, predicts or... causes?

Bitch gave me my Pumpkin. She will be allowed to live. For now.

Orson ate some of MY pumpkin. He must be dealt with.

I do not know why* but today I am following Laura around the house like crazy. I think maybe she is going to do something stupid like fall down the stairs or suddenly leave me and never come back. So I am not letting her out of my sight. Maybe it is because I think that she is going to give me Pumpkin**. I am being Very Annoying, and she cannot even walk downstairs to the living room without me trotting after her. She tried to pee with the door closed, but I was having none of that and kept trying to scratch open the door*** until she came out.

I still love the air conditioner. I sit in front of it and pretend I am an Eskimo Cat facing into a cold wind.****


*Or perhaps I do know why, but I am a Cat and as a Cat, I do not have to explain things to mere humans like yourselves

**Pumpkin is the greatest dish of all time. Well, second greatest. Second only to Spaghetti-O's. But I get pumpkin more often, it keeps me regular, and the vet recommend a teaspoon of it a day. Why? Because sometimes when I go #2, I run out of the litter box yowling and do laps around the house while making an unearthly screaming noise. And pumpkin cuts down on that.  Laura says there's nothing more fun than being woken up at night by a cat running froom its own poo.

***Stupid bathroom door. It's the only door in the house that actually latches closed, and I cannot open but either brute force pushing or being Creepy and pulling it open by sliding one of my paws under the door and tugging persistently.

****Or maybe I just like the cold breeze blowing on my face. You'll never know. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (Human Translator Note: <--- Evil laugh that comes out as a high pitched meow)

I am made for the snow. Between my toes on all of my paws, I have little tufts of fur. That's so I can walk on the snow without it clumping between my toes. So I REALLY HATE THE SUMMERTIME.

Today was very hot. So Laura shaved me. Not totally, because the electric razor was old, but she ran the razor through my fur and it cut a lot of the fur out. So I still have my handsome coat, but now it's not so thick. I enjoyed the attention, but I did not like it when Laura tried to cut my mane. My mane is thick and luxurious, like a lion's, and is NOT TO BE CUT. Laura also tried to shave my little brother Orson, but he did not like it as much. He wouldn't sit still and the noise the razor made scared him. I am a far braver cat than he.

Also, Justin brought home a new air conditioner. To make me happy.  As I dictate this, I am sitting in the arm chair in front of the window, letting the cold air blow on me.